My Pregnancy Week 14-15: Surrender


I'm sitting down to write another post for Mamayurveda, and today I am having a harder time than normal. Usually there is something obvious that is easy to write about in one simple post. However, today I truly feel all over the place, and pretty emotional. Maybe that's why writing seems a little bit harder - because I haven't felt as balanced as normal. But I'm figuring that is also helpful to share. Hope so??! The last few weeks have been filled with more stress than normal, and left me feeling more confused and cloudy around my pregnancy. I received borderline high TSH level results, which upon further testing were almost normal, but certainly left me with a few days of worry over the best way to address the imbalance. I have always had functionally high thyroid levels, and even my teacher Dr. Lad mentioned hypothyroid problems in my future, but addressing that issue during pregnancy felt pretty overwhelming. Like I said, it turns out I can make some diet adjustments, and keep an eye on it without further measures at this point...whew.

Also, my husband and I, after weeks of frustration, felt that we needed to move care providers. Which isn't a huge deal, but still annoying and stressful when you feel fear and discomfort around where you are going to have your baby. Luckily, we just found a birth center that feels much better! I am blessed that these were all pretty minor blips in the pregnancy journey, but in the moment they felt very real and very stressful to me...especially with all the emotional swings that can happen normally during pregnancy.

While I can't give any profound advice about how to keep life and your mind relaxed during pregnancy, I have noticed that during these times it always helps me to honor and acknowledge the emotions or changes, instead of trying to suppress them.  AND this is pretty much true in my life as a mother, or human being on the planet. I noticed (once again) that during the moments of stress or a racing mind, some of the best actions I could take was actually to honor the process. The more I tried to rationalize or push away what I knew were irrational thoughts, the harder they came back at me. The more I honor my emotions, the more I am able to give them freedom to move out of my mind/body, instead of lying dormant or suppressed in my system. I say this because I think often as pregnant women we try to stay calm and healthy for the baby, worried that any negative emotion might cause them irrevocable damage, but I think that babies are more resilient than that and I think they need us to experience the reality of our life. So what does it mean to surrender to our emotions? I love the following quote from our teacher Dr. Lad, and hope you find the words helpful anytime your emotions feel they are getting the best of you.

"Half an inch behind your suffering there is bliss. Give complete attention to your grief, your sadness, to your anger. Let it flower. Don't counsel it, suppress it, or analyze it. Your grief is your reaction. Your grief is your projection. Suffering is within. It does not come from without. The moment you realize the real relationship between yourself and suffering, it ends. Suffering comes to you to awaken you. Use your suffering as a springboard and dive deep within. Be with your emotions. You can't avoid pain by pursuing pleasure. I do not know the name of the pleasure which does not end in pain, Look at your sadness, your anger, your jealousy. They are but a mirror. Look at the emotion and look also at the looker of the emotion...As you feel the emotion, observe the movement of your consciusness and let it pass. Then you are born again, anew. Out of the womb of that anger, out of the womb of that grief. Before the emotion can pass, it must be thoroughly digested. Emotions which are unripe cloud the thinking and block awareness. How to ripen uncooked emotions? Bring total awareness to the sensation. Give yourself totally to the sadness, to the grief, to the fear. Ripen the emotion with the flame of awareness. The moment you become aware your reaction flowers and melts into nothingness. Swallow the hurt, digest it completely and let it yield pure awareness. Emotion is reaction. Love is total action." ~Dr. Vasant Lad

With Love, Kerry